Basecamp for Men E67: The Intelligence of the Heart

E67: The Intelligence of the Heart with

Special Guest Howard Martin

 

E67 Introduction-

Since it inception, Basecamp for Men has zeroed in on a number of themes. Men’s work and myth to keep us connected and inspired. Health and vitality so that we look and feel out best. We’ve had episodes on the tools we need to better see ourselves with clarity and honesty. As well as how we can be the best husbands and fathers we can be. How do men go about growing their emotional intelligence? Or their spiritual intelligence? What does that look like for men? And we have looked at what is in the shadow, both in ourselves and the world at large.

Today’s episode fits nicely with our catalogue as it is about the intelligence of the heart. If there is a thread that runs through all of Basecamp (besides the Hero’s Journey), it is this: how do men live with more heart? This is a central question in all of the men’s groups that I lead. How do we cut through all the excessive thinking, the cognitive noise, and ego to live our lives more fully from the heart?

Remember men, the heart always knows the way. No matter what is going on. No matter how crazy and confusing the world looks like and feels, the heart can be counted on as your most reliable compass of what is true.

My guest today is an expert on matters  of the heart and I am excited to be in dialogue with him.

Howard Martin Bio-

Howard Martin is a key spokesperson for the HeartMath Companies. Through his public speaking events, Howard illuminates the intelligence of the heart, describing how we can all access it to create positive and sustainable change. He is a co-author of the highly acclaimed book The HeartMath Solution and contributing author of Heart Intelligence. Most recently, Howard helped to co-create The HeartMath Experience, a new online video program introduced by HeartMath in January 2020.

E67 Final Thoughts-

I hope you enjoyed our conversation with Howard.

Howard is gifting Basecamp for Men listeners with free access for a limited time to the HeartMath Experience. A beautifully crafted online video program experience that feels like you’re watching a movie while you learn key techniques based on research and developed by HeartMath. To get free access go to HeartMath.com.

 

 

 

 

Basecamp for Men E12: Firestarters for Men-Compassion

E12: Firestarter for Men-Compassion

 

E12 Introduction

Pema Chodron, the great Western Buddhist teacher, writes “Our personal attempts to live humanely in this world are never wasted. Choosing to cultivate love rather than anger just might be what it takes to save the planet from extinction.

What is it that allows our goodwill to expand and our prejudice and anger to decrease? This is a significant question. Traditionally it is said that the root of aggression and suffering is ignorance. But what is it that we are ignoring? Entrenched in the tunnel vision of our personal concerns, what we ignore is our kinship with others.

One reason we train as warrior-Bodhisattvas is to recognize our interconnectedness- to grow in understanding that when we harm another, we are harming ourselves.

So we train in recognizing our uptightness. We train in seeing that others are not so different from ourselves. We train in opening our hearts and minds in increasingly difficult situations.”

In today’s episode, we introduce Firestarters for Men, our new short format segment. This will be used from time-to-time as a break from our standard interview format and to offer something to listeners that is short and sweet. These Firestarters will tend to be 8-12 minutes instead of our usual 30 minutes or so.

I hope you enjoy this first one about compassion and the story by the late Aikido master Terry Dobson.

Enjoy and thank you listeners!

Tony

 

Basecamp for Men E4. The Secret Lives of Men

 E4: The Secret Lives of Men with Special Guest Benjamin Seaman

 

E4 Introduction-

“Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh, and the greatness which does not bow before children.”

Kahlil Gibran

I was recently thinking about the men I admire most. I noticed that these men are, without exception, VERY emotionally intelligent.

For men, it’s one of our little secrets: we are emotionally intelligent and we read our emotional environments with great skill. Women and the culture at large pretend that we don’t know how to do

this. And we nod and go along with the “men are emotional dummies” assessment.

This whole notion that women are more emotionally intelligent because they TALK about their emotions so much is a shaky assumption. If you were in a group of people having a discussion, would you automatically assume that the one
 who talks the most is the most intelligent? Yet we assume that just because women talk more of their feelings that they somehow “get it” more clearly than men do.

This is not a knock on women or how theyprocess their feelings. I love women. I just take exception to the assumption that the more you talk, the more you know. It’s just not been my experience of this.

It’s true that men can be emotionally unavailable. We can “tune-out” and be emotionally unresponsive. It can be a coping mechanism
 when we feel overwhelmed. But it’s a mistake to assume that we are not intelligent in our emotional expressions.

As men, it is not our way to be constantly talking about how we feel. It is just not how we roll. However, we do know how to read the emotional vibe of a room…we are especially good at reading other men…we know when our women are scared or unhappy…so can we please stop pretending that men don’t “get” emotions?

I teach and learn in men’s groups. We get together once a week to work on all the things
 that are most important to men. Raising emotional awareness is one of the big pieces that we
 learn. But here’s the thing: many of the men show up with a fairly high level of emotional intelligence to START with. We just help them grow their mastery and learn some of the more subtle aspects of emotional awareness.

In our quest to become more emotionally intelligent, we come to know the five basic emotions: joy, anger, fear, grief, and shame. There are subtleties and other emotions (excitement, distress, etc.). However, in working to know and understand the basic five, a man can significantly improve his understanding of how these emotions show up, both in himself and others.

What’s the point of growing our emotional intelligence? Well, for starters, it makes us
 smarter. It’s true. That’s why they call it emotional intelligence.

Another reason is that it makes you a more skillful communicator. You can speak to and from the emotional undertones in a conversation. This gives you more power in almost every situation.

And by growing your emotional intelligence, you’ll get more expressive. This gives you a charisma that you don’t have access to by staying with your current emotional range and depth.

And your kids will learn greater emotional range and authenticity. They’ll come to value emotional expression and they’ll apply it to all sorts of situations, to their benefit.

And you’ll get laid more. No shit. By raising your emotional game and becoming more expressive and charismatic, men and women will find you more sexually irresistible.

In short, there is not a situation I can think of where greater emotional range and skill is not an advantage to you as a man. It makes you a better lover, a better father, a better son, a better friend.

In particular, men get emotionally smarter when they can claim their joy, sadness, and shame. These are the three emotions that can easily hide in the shadows for men.

Ben Seaman Bio-

Benjamin Seaman is a psychotherapist who has been practicing in NYC for 20 years specializing in couples and emotional literacy for men of all backgrounds. He has appeared in print, TV and radio outlets on various self-help issues. Mr. Seaman was co-director of an annual spiritual retreat for men from 2005-2017, and continues to offer workshops on creativity, relationships, and other personal growth topics. You can read about his practice at benjaminseaman.com.

E4 Final Thoughts-

I hope you enjoyed my interview with Ben Seaman. I loved what he said about how men typically will have two emotional responses- One, I’m fine and two, I’m pissed. I think that is where many men reside and one of the big reasons why things like therapy and men’s work are so valuable: they give men more awareness of their natural emotional spectrum and more variety in their expression.

Another thing that stood out to me was how Ben has noticed that men in other countries and other cultures will get together in groups to have adventures, share stories and insights and laughter. American men, cultured as we are to go it alone, miss out on this brotherhood that seems to exist everywhere else but here.