Basecamp for Men E100: The Learning Inside of Your Marriage

E100: The Learning Inside of Your Marriage with Special Guest Kimberly Holmes

 

E100 Introduction

Wow, I can’t believe we have made it to episode 100! I feel a sense of accomplishment with this and I want to start off  by thanking my excellent sound editor Chris Rodd. Chris, I couldn’t have done it without you.

And I would like to thank you my listener for giving our show a try and, for many of you, putting it into your regular rotation of podcasts. I really appreciate the follow. And if you are a fan of the show, help us by recommending it to a friend or two or giving us a review on Apple podcasts. Both of these actions help us to continue to grow and get the word out.

As many of you know, one of my interests is how we can best show up as men in our most important relationships. These primary relationships (with our spouses or life partners, with our children, with our siblings and our parents) will inevitably bring our most challenging issues to the surface.  They always do.

There is an interesting dynamic at play. These most intimate relationships are the ones we CARE the most about. And what tends to show up in the things we care about the most? Challenges and obstacles. Ones that we seem to sub-consciously put in our own way as we learn to love one another and ourselves unconditionally.

It is not hard to see that is is not always the great parts of us that are in our marriages and partnerships. We each show up with our unique wounds and insecurities. Our neediness, our upsets, our fears.

And there is a paradox at play. We seem to want unconditional love from one another but then keep putting parts of ourselves out there that we don’t even love. It is like we are telling our partners, “I don’t really like this small, needy, insecure part of myself, what do YOU think?”.

We long for the healing of our deepest wounds and then misguidedly ask our poor unsuspecting partner to do the healing. We often don’t suspect that it is ourselves that hold the key to the healing and love we have been looking for from our partners.

I sometimes think that our spouses and life-partners are really here to  bear witness to our courage to confront ourselves and to change. They encourage us to be true to ourselves and do our best to love life and them, with a full and open heart.

My guest today knows a lot about learning in a relationship. Let’s go have a conversation.

 

Kimberly Holmes Bio-

Kimberly Bean Holmes is the CEO of  Marriage Helper, an organization that seeks to give couples new resources for their journey.  She is also the CEO and Creator of PIES University. Kimberly is also the host of the It Starts With Attraction Podcast. Her videos, podcasts, and following reach over 200K people a month who are making changes and becoming the best that they can be. Here is my interview with Kimberly Holmes.

E100 Final Thoughts-

I hope you enjoyed my interview with Kimberly Holmes. I love what she said about how even if you are the only one to do inner work to help the relationship. This will often be enough to get positive development going. Because some of you might have partners that are not interested in therapy or working on things and that is ok. As long as YOU are willing to work on yourself, things will tend to grow in the relationship as well.

I also love what she said about  remember that how you make your spouse FEEL is so important. I think this is such an important point and I think it can get lost in long-term relationships. I know I lose sight of it from time to time.

Lastly, I asked Kimberly for a couple of book recommendations for you and I have a couple as well. Kimberly recommends 8 Datesby Dr. John Gottman and Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. My two relationship books that I love are Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix and Passionate Marriageby David Schnarch

 

 

 

Basecamp for Men E62: Marriage as a Hero’s Journey

E62: Marriage as a Hero’s Journey with Special Guest Lisa Rezac

 

E62 Introduction-

As part of our Hero’s Journey, men will often struggle with our interractions with the Feminine. Both the women in our lives and the Feminine aspect that is inside every man. Women have the ability to confound us, test us, push us, as well as celebrate and elevate us.

My own marriage and partnership with my wife Lisa has lasted more than twenty-five years now. The learning in this relationship has been astounding.  She has, in many ways, been my most important teacher. I would not be the man I am today without her influence.

In your primary relationships, ALL of your baggage and your shadow come into play. The soft underbelly of your ego gets exposed. Any bullshit you might be trying to pull out in the world, any persona that you construct to come across as nothing but confident and positive will surely be exposed (and wilt) in the slow burn furnace of a long-term relationship.

A good marriage absolutely REQUIRES you to show up authentically. Warts and all. Fear and shame, needy and insecure. These are the childhood wounds that we bring into our partnerships. Even if we had a relatively healthy childhood, which very few of us have had, marriage will test you every step of the way.

A long-term partnership teaches you about heart and what it is to love. However,  our clumsy attempts at unconditional love repeatedly show us our bias’s and our fear of intimacy. It’s easy to say I accept you and love you but my subconscious mind, with all of it’s baggage and wounds and insecurities, keeps me projecting my preferences onto my beloved. I’m ok when you show up as x but not when you show up as y.

Marriage and life-long partnerships are a true Hero‘s Journey. Together you will face dragons that seem terrifying. Childhood monsters, traumas, fears of all sorts. You may face infidelity and fear of abandonment.  You will face a dark night of the soul, where it looks like it is falling apart and all hope is lost. When you are there, remember that it is just a chapter in your Hero’s Tale. Look for your resources and your mentor and forge on. You can do it.

And, like in a Hero’s tale, you will change and grow. Who you are in the next chapter will be a different version of yourself. It will be the same for your partner. I honor all of you on this path. For I know how challenging and frustrating it can be. Learning how to deal with yourself and this force of nature called your life partner.

With that being said, my blessing to you is you that you deeply honor your partner for what he or she is to you: a Soul mate who is deeply committed to your growth and someone who is helping you strengthen your heart. Interestingly, strong and loving hearts is exactly what the world is calling for right now.

Lisa Rezac Bio-

My guest today is an exceptional woman known for her beauty, intuition, humor, and courage. Lisa Rezac has been an classically trained actor, corporate trainer, entrepreneur, mother, and a fundraising auctioneer. She is a creative thinker and a person who models living your deepest truths. She has also been my life-partner for the past 26 years.

E62 Final Thoughts-

I hope you enjoyed hearing what conversations are like in the Rezac household. If you are a person who is committed to growing inside your relationship, I’ll recap some of the recommendations for you.

The Gottman Institute does some really amazing couples workshops and they have a list of Gottman trained therapists if you are looking for guidance. If your relationship is feeling stuck in some old patterns, finding a good therapist is essential to getting forward movement. It always worked for us. They are at www.gottman.com

What would Lisa and I have done had we not learned how to mirror? An essential tool for couples. You can learn it with the book called Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix and find therapists that will teach you this and help you get better at it at www.harvilleandhelen.com

And lastly, there is a great book about life partners that sits on the top shelf of my library called Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch. He shows the reader the importance of differentiation and the power of learning how to validate yourself instead of always looking to your partner or other people. Very insightful book.

Thank you listeners (and readers)!