Basecamp for Men E8. The Power of Men’s Groups

E8: The Power of Men’s Groups with Special Guest

Dave Klaus

E8 Introduction

All around the world, every single day, men are gathering in circles. Known as men’s groups, men’s work, or men’s wisdom circles, these groups provide an essential resource to the men who are open enough to seek them out. One of the great gifts of men’s groups is creating environments where men can set their feet on their best path. Men’s groups act as a “basecamp” for the uncertain Hero’s Journey.

What lessons might YOU learn by participating in these circles? You‘ll have your own list. Here are my top five lessons I have learned by growing up inside the men’s movement:
  1. MEN ARE COURAGEOUS. This is something that is important for men to know about themselves. Too many men live their lives in routine and comfort. It can just suck the life out of you. One reason we do men’s work is to access the Hero within to live our most courageous lives.
  2. WHEN IT MATTERS MOST, MEN CAN BE TRUSTED. The more I learn about the real, authentic you, the more I can relate and trust you. When you drop the b.s. and be real with other men, they’ll have your back. I’ve seen it over and over again. Men are incredible!
  3. COLLECTIVE MALE WISDOM IS ALIVE AND WELL. Men have met in circles and counsels since the dawn of man. It‘s in our DNA. When men gather in groups, insights and possibilities arise that simply don‘t surface when men choose to go it alone.
  4. YOU CAN HANDLE HONEST FEEDBACK FROM MEN YOU TRUST. In men’s circles, we learn to give and receive clean feedback that accelerates growth. When feedback is given from the heart, men can hear it and work with it.
  5. LIFE GETS BETTER. When men gather to create powerful groups, life seems to move in a good way. These groups act like a compass for men. It gives you a community that knows you, understands the challenges of manhood, and gives you many opportunities to grow your leadership. Challenges that were depleting your energy are transmuted inside of a masculine circle. The collective feel of the group is that this is making a big difference for me. 

Join Tony and special guest Dave Klaus, editor and writer for On Purpose newsletter, as they talk about the state of masculinity, the value of men’s groups, and share with the listener’s what men‘s groups feel like by doing a traditional “check-in” round for the listeners. Enjoy!

Dave Klaus Bio

Dave is a speaker, writer, community leader, and criminal defense trial lawyer.  He is a skilled facilitator of large and small groups, and has honed these skills in his work with the ManKind Project, and in nearly forty jury trials.  He is an ordained priest with the Hollow Bones Zen Order with a daily meditation and qi gung practice.  His passion is to empower others to find their way to a path of clarity, flexibility, open-hearted connection, and flow in the present moment, so they they may share their gold with the world and effect real change.

E8 Final Thoughts

I really loved speaking with Dave. I feel like him and I could be good friends. It was the first time we did a check-in like we do in the men’s groups and the whole interview had a men’s group sort of feel to it, which is really appropriate for this episode.

I love what Dave said that one of the things he’d like to see from more men is this willingness to be uncomfortable. I agree. If men are willing to step into new environments for learning, such as the men’s weekend and these groups, it grows their capacity to sit  and be present with what is uncomfortable in life. This will always lead to growth and new insights.

And go subscribe to On Purpose Newsletter at https://mkpusa.org/onpurposenews/. Dave is a really good writer and if these topics interest you, you will find this newsletter refreshing in its authenticity.

Basecamp for Men E7: How to Raise a Boy

E7: How to Raise a Boy with Special Guest

Dr. Michael Reichert

 

E7 Introduction

We certainly live in perilous times for boys. As restrictive as the man box is for men, the pressures that boys feel to conform and measure up is relentless. Boys experience performative pressures from parents and teachers and pressures to conform to the standards of other boys version of masculinity which often entails a clear pecking order, bullying and ridicule to enforce the pecking order, and no place for kids that are outsiders or slightly different or even if they are introverted, which many boys are.

And school curriculum is not constructed with boys in mind. If it was, you would see a lot more projects that take the boys outside and into the world. And you would see more creative offerings in the curriculum. Has any school ever asked the boys what THEY want to learn or what’s important to THEM? I doubt it.

I am raising a son who is now twelve years old and his mother and I are readying ourselves for the teen years that are upon us with all that entails. I am certainly no expert on raising a boy. Like most parents, my approach has been trial and error, heart on my sleeve as I do my best to track my son’s needs and changes. What is the right amount of support? What is too much? What does he seem ready for? These are the questions that parents constantly have in their minds and hearts and it all comes with a great deal of anxiety. Am I screwing him up?

I once heard a bit of wisdom about children and I don’t remember its source but it has stuck with me. That our children don‘t belong to us. They belong to the world.  Our job as parents and caretakers is to do our best to train them for the world. They have their own destiny and their own song to sing. If we can get our own expectations and our own childhood wounds out of the way and hear our sons and daughters unique song, we can help them find their best path in the world. Maybe that is the best we can do for them.

The whole process takes trust. As parents, I think we need to feel the freedom of not having the stakes so high. Mistakes will be made, feelings will get hurt. I think the best thing I can give my son is belief in him. Not necessarily a belief that he will achieve a certain outcome but belief that he has the resources to follow his heart, to be true to himself.

My guest today is an expert on parenting and the needs of boys in particular.

Dr. Michael Reichert Bio

Dr. Michael Reichert is a psychologist, the founding director of the Center for the Study of Boys and Girls Lives at the University of Pennsylvania, and a clinical practitioner specializing in boys and men who has also conducted extensive research globally.

Visit Dr. Reichart at https://www.michaelcreichert.com/publications

E7 Final Thoughts

I hope you got some valuable insights from our time with Dr. Reichert. I know I certainly did. I highly recommend his book How to Raise a Boy: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men. It’s available at all the usual places. The book has very relevant information and stories in it and Michael is a very good writer. Anyone raising a son will benefit from having it on their book shelf.

I immediately took Michael’s advice with my son. When I was tucking him in last night I said that I would like to make a weekly time with him. One to two hours where we get to do whatever HE wants to do: play Fortnite, go take pictures somewhere, go to the sporting good store or play golf or catch, whatever HE wants to do. His reaction? He beamed at me and said “Really?, that sounds awesome” And then he said, “ I sometimes feel that I don’t get enough one-on-one time with you.” I`m very grateful for Dr. Reichert for suggesting this.

This seems like a great approach to our sons, no matter what their age is. Make time with them, let them lead, and like Dr. Reichert says, delight in their presence and imagination. Go have fun with that all you Dads have a Happy Father’s Day and we’ll see you next week.

 

Basecamp for Men E6: Raise Your Energy

E6: Raise Your Energy with

Special Guest David Carico

 

E6 Introduction

As men, we are measured by society’s old narrative by how much we DO. And we have become really good at DOING THINGS but we have not been taught the value of slowing down. The old narrative says if we slow down, we might fall behind. Is this really true? As men with inner power, do we really not have time for ourselves? It‘s an interesting assumption, isn’t it?

Almost every man I know, myself included, could benefit from more slow time or Soul time. I have three favorite ways of slowing down and I share them with you in this episode. All three of these approaches has a deeply restorative effect on my mind, body, and spirit.

I know some men who use fishing or nature hikes as a way to enter this space. The point is for you to find yours. Sometimes men will decompress by fiddling with their phones or watching TV. I would counsel you to take a look at some other, more mindful approaches. Doing so will bring your energy and self-care up several notches. Try it out for yourself and see and, as usual, I will leave resources for you at the end of the show.

David Carico Bio

David Carico has been practicing Continuum for more than twenty years. He has been a long-time pupil of master Continuum teacher Beth Pettingill-Riley, a good friend of mine. David has been a facilitator and small group leader within the Breaththrough Men’s Community for many years helping men to examine issues of childhood trauma, gender conditioning, and social oppression.   David is a lawyer, handling appeals in civil and criminal cases for 35 years, a father of two successful adult women and a recent grandfather.

E6 Final Thoughts

I really enjoyed my conversation with David and I hope you found it valuable as well. I appreciate the insights and thoughtfulness that David brings to important issues for men. And he really embodies the wisdom that comes from finding time to slow down.

So, the end of show resources for you men are as follows: Meditation, you can find a million and one You Tube videos on meditation. You can sit in silence, use mantra or sound, walk through a guided meditation.  There really is a treasure there waiting for you to discover.

If the conversation about SOMATIC MOVEMENT interests you, go to www.ismeta.orgto find a class or teacher near you.  I highly recommend it.

Basecamp for Men E5: Breaking Open the Man Box

E5: Breaking Open the Man Box

with Mark Greene and Tony Rezac

 

E5 Introduction

The man box. This is the culture of masculinity we were all trained in. The hyper-competitive “tough guy” who doesn’t express himself well and uses status and sexual conquests to validate himself. Add to that the ridicule and sarcasm that “real men” use to keep women, children, and other men in their place and you have the start of the toxic man box that everyone is talking about.

Join Tony and author and thought-leader Mark Greene as we open up and deconstruct the training we all receive and how men can set aside the limiting beliefs about manhood that come from this constraining model of masculinity.

Mark Greene writes, speaks, coaches and consults on the challenges we face as men raised in man box culture. He is the author of the groundbreaking The Little #MeToo Book for Men.

As a co-founder of ThinkPlay Partners and as a Senior Editor for the Good Men Project, Greene has spent over a decade as a writer and speaker, deconstructing our binary-riddled dialogues around manhood and masculinity. He is uniquely positioned to help men, individually and in organizations, create a healthier vision of masculine culture and identity.

 

 

Basecamp for Men E4. The Secret Lives of Men

 E4: The Secret Lives of Men with Special Guest Benjamin Seaman

 

E4 Introduction-

“Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh, and the greatness which does not bow before children.”

Kahlil Gibran

I was recently thinking about the men I admire most. I noticed that these men are, without exception, VERY emotionally intelligent.

For men, it’s one of our little secrets: we are emotionally intelligent and we read our emotional environments with great skill. Women and the culture at large pretend that we don’t know how to do

this. And we nod and go along with the “men are emotional dummies” assessment.

This whole notion that women are more emotionally intelligent because they TALK about their emotions so much is a shaky assumption. If you were in a group of people having a discussion, would you automatically assume that the one
 who talks the most is the most intelligent? Yet we assume that just because women talk more of their feelings that they somehow “get it” more clearly than men do.

This is not a knock on women or how theyprocess their feelings. I love women. I just take exception to the assumption that the more you talk, the more you know. It’s just not been my experience of this.

It’s true that men can be emotionally unavailable. We can “tune-out” and be emotionally unresponsive. It can be a coping mechanism
 when we feel overwhelmed. But it’s a mistake to assume that we are not intelligent in our emotional expressions.

As men, it is not our way to be constantly talking about how we feel. It is just not how we roll. However, we do know how to read the emotional vibe of a room…we are especially good at reading other men…we know when our women are scared or unhappy…so can we please stop pretending that men don’t “get” emotions?

I teach and learn in men’s groups. We get together once a week to work on all the things
 that are most important to men. Raising emotional awareness is one of the big pieces that we
 learn. But here’s the thing: many of the men show up with a fairly high level of emotional intelligence to START with. We just help them grow their mastery and learn some of the more subtle aspects of emotional awareness.

In our quest to become more emotionally intelligent, we come to know the five basic emotions: joy, anger, fear, grief, and shame. There are subtleties and other emotions (excitement, distress, etc.). However, in working to know and understand the basic five, a man can significantly improve his understanding of how these emotions show up, both in himself and others.

What’s the point of growing our emotional intelligence? Well, for starters, it makes us
 smarter. It’s true. That’s why they call it emotional intelligence.

Another reason is that it makes you a more skillful communicator. You can speak to and from the emotional undertones in a conversation. This gives you more power in almost every situation.

And by growing your emotional intelligence, you’ll get more expressive. This gives you a charisma that you don’t have access to by staying with your current emotional range and depth.

And your kids will learn greater emotional range and authenticity. They’ll come to value emotional expression and they’ll apply it to all sorts of situations, to their benefit.

And you’ll get laid more. No shit. By raising your emotional game and becoming more expressive and charismatic, men and women will find you more sexually irresistible.

In short, there is not a situation I can think of where greater emotional range and skill is not an advantage to you as a man. It makes you a better lover, a better father, a better son, a better friend.

In particular, men get emotionally smarter when they can claim their joy, sadness, and shame. These are the three emotions that can easily hide in the shadows for men.

Ben Seaman Bio-

Benjamin Seaman is a psychotherapist who has been practicing in NYC for 20 years specializing in couples and emotional literacy for men of all backgrounds. He has appeared in print, TV and radio outlets on various self-help issues. Mr. Seaman was co-director of an annual spiritual retreat for men from 2005-2017, and continues to offer workshops on creativity, relationships, and other personal growth topics. You can read about his practice at benjaminseaman.com.

E4 Final Thoughts-

I hope you enjoyed my interview with Ben Seaman. I loved what he said about how men typically will have two emotional responses- One, I’m fine and two, I’m pissed. I think that is where many men reside and one of the big reasons why things like therapy and men’s work are so valuable: they give men more awareness of their natural emotional spectrum and more variety in their expression.

Another thing that stood out to me was how Ben has noticed that men in other countries and other cultures will get together in groups to have adventures, share stories and insights and laughter. American men, cultured as we are to go it alone, miss out on this brotherhood that seems to exist everywhere else but here.