E4: The Secret Lives of Men with Special Guest Benjamin Seaman
E4 Introduction-
“Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh, and the greatness which does not bow before children.”
Kahlil Gibran
I was recently thinking about the men I admire most. I noticed that these men are, without exception, VERY emotionally intelligent.
For men, it’s one of our little secrets: we are emotionally intelligent and we read our emotional environments with great skill. Women and the culture at large pretend that we don’t know how to do
this. And we nod and go along with the “men are emotional dummies” assessment.
This whole notion that women are more emotionally intelligent because they TALK about their emotions so much is a shaky assumption. If you were in a group of people having a discussion, would you automatically assume that the one who talks the most is the most intelligent? Yet we assume that just because women talk more of their feelings that they somehow “get it” more clearly than men do.
This is not a knock on women or how theyprocess their feelings. I love women. I just take exception to the assumption that the more you talk, the more you know. It’s just not been my experience of this.
It’s true that men can be emotionally unavailable. We can “tune-out” and be emotionally unresponsive. It can be a coping mechanism when we feel overwhelmed. But it’s a mistake to assume that we are not intelligent in our emotional expressions.
As men, it is not our way to be constantly talking about how we feel. It is just not how we roll. However, we do know how to read the emotional vibe of a room…we are especially good at reading other men…we know when our women are scared or unhappy…so can we please stop pretending that men don’t “get” emotions?
I teach and learn in men’s groups. We get together once a week to work on all the things that are most important to men. Raising emotional awareness is one of the big pieces that we learn. But here’s the thing: many of the men show up with a fairly high level of emotional intelligence to START with. We just help them grow their mastery and learn some of the more subtle aspects of emotional awareness.
In our quest to become more emotionally intelligent, we come to know the five basic emotions: joy, anger, fear, grief, and shame. There are subtleties and other emotions (excitement, distress, etc.). However, in working to know and understand the basic five, a man can significantly improve his understanding of how these emotions show up, both in himself and others.
What’s the point of growing our emotional intelligence? Well, for starters, it makes us smarter. It’s true. That’s why they call it emotional intelligence.
Another reason is that it makes you a more skillful communicator. You can speak to and from the emotional undertones in a conversation. This gives you more power in almost every situation.
And by growing your emotional intelligence, you’ll get more expressive. This gives you a charisma that you don’t have access to by staying with your current emotional range and depth.
And your kids will learn greater emotional range and authenticity. They’ll come to value emotional expression and they’ll apply it to all sorts of situations, to their benefit.
And you’ll get laid more. No shit. By raising your emotional game and becoming more expressive and charismatic, men and women will find you more sexually irresistible.
In short, there is not a situation I can think of where greater emotional range and skill is not an advantage to you as a man. It makes you a better lover, a better father, a better son, a better friend.
In particular, men get emotionally smarter when they can claim their joy, sadness, and shame. These are the three emotions that can easily hide in the shadows for men.
Ben Seaman Bio-
Benjamin Seaman is a psychotherapist who has been practicing in NYC for 20 years specializing in couples and emotional literacy for men of all backgrounds. He has appeared in print, TV and radio outlets on various self-help issues. Mr. Seaman was co-director of an annual spiritual retreat for men from 2005-2017, and continues to offer workshops on creativity, relationships, and other personal growth topics. You can read about his practice at benjaminseaman.com.
E4 Final Thoughts-
I hope you enjoyed my interview with Ben Seaman. I loved what he said about how men typically will have two emotional responses- One, I’m fine and two, I’m pissed. I think that is where many men reside and one of the big reasons why things like therapy and men’s work are so valuable: they give men more awareness of their natural emotional spectrum and more variety in their expression.
Another thing that stood out to me was how Ben has noticed that men in other countries and other cultures will get together in groups to have adventures, share stories and insights and laughter. American men, cultured as we are to go it alone, miss out on this brotherhood that seems to exist everywhere else but here.