E62: Marriage as a Hero’s Journey with Special Guest Lisa Rezac
E62 Introduction-
As part of our Hero’s Journey, men will often struggle with our interractions with the Feminine. Both the women in our lives and the Feminine aspect that is inside every man. Women have the ability to confound us, test us, push us, as well as celebrate and elevate us.
My own marriage and partnership with my wife Lisa has lasted more than twenty-five years now. The learning in this relationship has been astounding. She has, in many ways, been my most important teacher. I would not be the man I am today without her influence.
In your primary relationships, ALL of your baggage and your shadow come into play. The soft underbelly of your ego gets exposed. Any bullshit you might be trying to pull out in the world, any persona that you construct to come across as nothing but confident and positive will surely be exposed (and wilt) in the slow burn furnace of a long-term relationship.
A good marriage absolutely REQUIRES you to show up authentically. Warts and all. Fear and shame, needy and insecure. These are the childhood wounds that we bring into our partnerships. Even if we had a relatively healthy childhood, which very few of us have had, marriage will test you every step of the way.
A long-term partnership teaches you about heart and what it is to love. However, our clumsy attempts at unconditional love repeatedly show us our bias’s and our fear of intimacy. It’s easy to say I accept you and love you but my subconscious mind, with all of it’s baggage and wounds and insecurities, keeps me projecting my preferences onto my beloved. I’m ok when you show up as x but not when you show up as y.
Marriage and life-long partnerships are a true Hero‘s Journey. Together you will face dragons that seem terrifying. Childhood monsters, traumas, fears of all sorts. You may face infidelity and fear of abandonment. You will face a dark night of the soul, where it looks like it is falling apart and all hope is lost. When you are there, remember that it is just a chapter in your Hero’s Tale. Look for your resources and your mentor and forge on. You can do it.
And, like in a Hero’s tale, you will change and grow. Who you are in the next chapter will be a different version of yourself. It will be the same for your partner. I honor all of you on this path. For I know how challenging and frustrating it can be. Learning how to deal with yourself and this force of nature called your life partner.
With that being said, my blessing to you is you that you deeply honor your partner for what he or she is to you: a Soul mate who is deeply committed to your growth and someone who is helping you strengthen your heart. Interestingly, strong and loving hearts is exactly what the world is calling for right now.
Lisa Rezac Bio-
My guest today is an exceptional woman known for her beauty, intuition, humor, and courage. Lisa Rezac has been an classically trained actor, corporate trainer, entrepreneur, mother, and a fundraising auctioneer. She is a creative thinker and a person who models living your deepest truths. She has also been my life-partner for the past 26 years.
E62 Final Thoughts-
I hope you enjoyed hearing what conversations are like in the Rezac household. If you are a person who is committed to growing inside your relationship, I’ll recap some of the recommendations for you.
The Gottman Institute does some really amazing couples workshops and they have a list of Gottman trained therapists if you are looking for guidance. If your relationship is feeling stuck in some old patterns, finding a good therapist is essential to getting forward movement. It always worked for us. They are at www.gottman.com
What would Lisa and I have done had we not learned how to mirror? An essential tool for couples. You can learn it with the book called Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix and find therapists that will teach you this and help you get better at it at www.harvilleandhelen.com
And lastly, there is a great book about life partners that sits on the top shelf of my library called Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch. He shows the reader the importance of differentiation and the power of learning how to validate yourself instead of always looking to your partner or other people. Very insightful book.
Thank you listeners (and readers)!